


ocean eyes

by xcaligulas



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Humanstuck, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Minor Character Death, Minor Sollux Captor/Feferi Peixes, Ocean, Other, Overcoming Trauma, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn, Wakes & Funerals, hydrophobia, shark attack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:15:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27585947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xcaligulas/pseuds/xcaligulas
Summary: Ever since that day, Sollux hadn't been able to bring himself to swim.But something about this guy made him feel like drowning wouldn't be so bad after all.
Relationships: Eridan Ampora/Sollux Captor, Mentioned Feferi Peixes/Sollux Captor, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Other Relationship Tags to Be Added
Comments: 4
Kudos: 32





	1. of hospitals and rain

**Author's Note:**

> hey, readers! this is my first serious piece of fic being posted on AO3 i think... ever, and i hope you enjoy it this ride! it's going to be a long one, so buckle in! i like to give as little context to plot as possible until later chapters, so i hope you don't mind guessing games... slow burn is the name of the game!

Time never seems to pass so slowly except for when you’re waiting.

Focused eyes settled on the tick and shift of the arms of the clock, and with an antsy jitter, Sollux’s leg finds itself rhythmically bouncing to no certain beat. It never occured to Sollux, at least, how monotonous existence could seem in the moments where it seemed like every second that dragged on was half his lifetime. Especially in a space where there was so much going on; hospital waiting rooms weren’t exactly the most settled environments. The scent of alcohol assaulting his nose wasn’t adding positively to the mounting nerves by any stretch, either.

Normally, he was able to be patient. Sollux has had to wait a lot in his life, and normally, it’s not a big deal. But today was a different story.

Maybe everything will be fine, he thought. There’s no reason to be so anxious. This is an overblowing of the severity of the situation.  
  
Absolutely no reason for his stomach to be doing loop-de-loops like it’s on a rollercoaster cart to the upside-down flip.

“Captor?”

The words ring out and reverberate against the dreadfull off-white walls in a deafening echo, and Sollux didn’t notice how heavy the weight had settled in the pit of his stomach until he’d heard his last name. Every muscle in his abdomen seems to decide to tense at once, and the wave of anxiety-induced nausea he shoves down is overwhelming. The phone he’d long forgotten was in his hands as his eyes shift from the tick of the clock to the doctor is shoved away with a hurried carelessness, and it’s before he knows it that he’s pushing himself to his feet. He licks his lips, and the look is expectant.

“Would you come with me for a moment?”

Sollux is quick to nod in agreement as he gathers his wits to follow the doctor, but it feels like he’s walking through muddy sand with every schlep of sneakers across the linoleum. The flourescents are bright, too bright, almost as much as the sun that day. He’s got things to do today, despite his adversity, and work doesn’t wait for life circumstances. It passes through his head a few times to just turn around and leave the building, head towards the exit and get in the car and drive as far as possible.

“Right this way.” There’s a click of a door, and Sollux swears he’s going to throw up when he looks into the bare, empty, clinical consultation room. “I’m sorry to pull you aside so quickly, but I wanted to speak to you in private.” There’s remorse in her words; it’s enough to solidify the severity in his mind. God, what he wouldn’t give to be at work right now. Surely there’s time to turn around and go.

But despite himself, feet carry him into the room and he settles in the plastic chair at the equally plastic table and as soon as he settles the gravity pulling down on him feels immense. It’s suffocating. Everything still reeks of chemicals. “It’s alright.” The words are distant and jaded, and Sollux almost doesn’t recognize them coming out of his mouth as the door clicks shut so quietly he almost misses it over the footsteps approaching the table, and rustle of papers set across from him. His head is placed in his palm. It’s pounding. He’s thirsty. He’s sick. “I figured.”

“It seems like you know why I’m pulling you aside.”

He has to resist the pull at his lips into a bitter, horrified frown, but his brows knit despite him. His mind is swimming, just like… “I have a feeling.”

“I know this is going to be hard for you, and I give you my word that I did everything I could, Mr. Captor, but…”

_It’s too late._

“It’s with a heavy heart I have to tell you she didn’t make it.” _You can’t save her._ “She… passed, ten minutes before you arrived.”

_Your fault._

The silence that falls over is like an iron curtain. Heavy.

“She’s gone?” Sollux’s words are wavering. It’s not even recognizable in his mind, it’s hysterical. Pathetic, almost, the fear that you could almost feel sparking in the air. “I can’t say goodbye?”

“I’m so very sorry, Sollux. You got here as soon as you could. It’s not your fault.”

_It’s your fault._

He didn’t notice his eyes were so bleary and watered and stinging until he felt moistness streaking down his cheek like a line of acid, burning with a rage of regret down his skin. Angry. Afraid.

There were papers pushed across the table, but his eyes didn’t register any of it, his mind fogged into an unforgivable haze of disconnection from his heart screaming in agony at the loss. He needed to feel, to show it, to do something, to let it out, but he felt too much and it was too much at once and all he knew how to do was cry.

When the doctor told him that the parents were setting up a funeral precession tomorrow and that he didn’t need to attend if he didn’t feel he could handle it, something clicked in his mind but words that he wanted to force out of his fucked head to his stupid mouth didn’t come and salty liquid dripped down his face beyond the rim of glasses with a vengeance and everything was a blur.

Agreeing to go was the right thing to do.

So he did. Even if he doesn’t remember saying so, or walking out of that building, the rain pattering against the pavement as he tore himself away from that god forsaken place, to the solace of his car, and the heat, and the stupid, tacky pink seat covers and the smell of honey and bergamot from the air freshener and the memory of her and that sunny, sandy, ocean-breeze day.

Sollux cried.

Time seems to falter when you’re mourning, and surely, the clock lied.


	2. of funerals and drive-throughs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Of course he couldn’t forget Eridan Ampora.
> 
> Apparently, neither could anyone else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sollux meets eridan at the funeral, and he has a fucking anxiety attack and throws up. this poor guy isnt doing well, but... looks like he might have gotten a new friend! stay tuned <3

Funerals are the worst kind of ceremony.

While helpful to further the process of grieving in a way that may be a helpful aid to some, Sollux never found the concept to be useful. Like, what is cathartic about a bunch of people gathered around a casket and the stench of potpourri and carpet shampoo in a funeral home straight out of the 80s? It’s a train wreck of suffering people gathered into one box with high emotions, not to mention the fact there’s almost always at least one person there that nobody wanted to show. It’s a recipe to cook up a steaming pot of hot, miserable disaster.

There was, at Feferi’s funeral, one person that nobody expected to see.

He knew she had mentioned him before. Sollux remembered the night with vivid fondness; they were on their way back to her home from a seafood restaurant in the heart of the city he couldn’t afford but god _dammit_ did he save to treat her to something nice, even if she insisted to cover, and when she’d brought up her childhood friend in the car with a twinkle in her eye and a fondness in her voice, it was unlike anything he’d heard from that singsong tone before.

Of course he couldn’t forget Eridan Ampora. 

Apparently, neither could anyone else.

The hushed whispers that blanketed over the black-clad group of memorial goers when he stepped into the room were a quiet roar above the headache pounding in Sollux’s skull, but the white noise of suspicious and distasteful chatter didn’t hold a candle to what was about to come.

“So, you’re Captor.”

It rings through the background conversation with a crystal clear certainty despite the leveled seriousness of the event, and upon Sollux’s snap of head up from his dejected palms up to those porcelain, freckled cheeks, he would have been angry at how casual it was, despite hating funerals. He would have, but the violet swoop, careening across the left half of the tall, toned, slim male’s forehead, cheekbones high and sculpted and features piercing, and a black rim of glasses overcast over piercing sapphire eyes puts the connection right through to realization headquarters in half a second.

This is… the guy. Feferi's best friend.

It takes his brain a couple moments of dial-up to respond properly, and Sollux shifts in his seat in the rows beyond the podium and casket service up front, bi-chromatic eyes quickly averting after what he figures is the socially appropriate period of time. “What gave it away?”

“Please.” It’s said in a way that’s catty, at first, but there’s a soften to Eridan’s voice as he shifts, and the brunette surmises that he’s making sure nobody is eavesdropping on their conversation, voice lowering. “You’re the only one sittin’ by yourself in a congregate of miserable people. Plus, the description checks out.”

It’s after the declaration that he seats himself- his attire is nothing short of formal. Black button down, tie, slacks, shoes. The whole business. It screams expensive in a way that makes him sick to his stomach.

“I heard plenty about you. Figured I’d do the cordial thing and drop by to give my condolences and make sure you ain’t about to throw yourself off a buildin’ somewhere down the block.”

God, he hates that everyone’s so concerned. Sollux has been trying to do his best since he got here to keep himself gathered and put together, even though no one expects it, and with the glances and hugs that he didn’t want, he feels like he’s being pitied a thousand times more than normal. And in a circle of rich, dead-girlfriend extended family, it’s not that much of a stretch.

His lips curve into a frown, mild. “I’d have to be really seriously crazy to do that knowing half these people would have to come to my funeral.”

“Well, that means you’re holdin’ up well enough.”

Despite the fact that it’s certainly unbecoming to snort, it filters out of him regardless, and Sollux feels his lips quirking at the corners in a way that’s definitely not appropriate for a funeral, but if he can’t get a good chuckle out of the suffering, there’s no sense in anything anymore. He’s been avoiding thinking about Feferi, the entire trainwreck of events that seemed endless and the waves of horror just didn’t stop rolling by past the yield, avoiding facing the reality, all of it. Grief isn’t his strong suit. He’s daintily piecing himself back together with school glue and scotch tape, any more painful revelations without a stronger glue might shatter him permanently. Sollux notices Eridan is looking at him with this heavy, unbridled concern and it dawns on him that oh, right, he’d laughed at that, maybe that’s an inappropriate gesture considering everything.

Does he look insane?

_Of course you look like a nutjob, Captor._

“I- well, I’m trying my best to pull through, because, you know.” Sollux lifts his hands in nervous gesticulation, and he’s trying to ignore the occasional gazes from the somber crowd surrounding. Anxiety mounts. “She would have wanted that, I think. For me to keep going. And stop worrying so much.” _They know._ He swallows.

His throat feels tight.

“That’s… what she always said, anyways.”

God, it’s embarrassing. His whole world feels like it’s going to collapse into a singularity when there’s a pause from Eridan, because he’d outright expected the dude to blurt something at him but now his stomach is turning in the way it always does when he’s panicking or when he hasn’t eaten for days, and there’s a tremor to his fingers and if anyone else looks at him again he might puke.

But despite his horror, Eridan speaks, before his hours-old lunch and bile becomes carpet shampoo. “You’re actin’ like you’re about to have a damn heart attack or somethin’ of that nature.” It’s not quite an accusation. “You don’t gotta talk about how you’re feelin’ or whatever at all.”

The pastor is about to step up to the podium and there’s a thin line of sweat beading down the side of his face despite the fact it’s not hot, it’s raining outside, for the second time this week, he’s sweating and everything feels hot and the quiet chatter suddenly feels loud, very loud, and people are filtering to find their seats, but Sollux is practically jumping from his. Just as the weight and realization of it all sank in, seeing the preparation for the speech he does not want to listen to, regurgitated, some generic religious bullshit he puts absolutely no stock or merit into, he couldn’t be in there anymore.

Sollux is bolting from his seat out to the foyer, caring less about whether or not he breaks up groups of gatherers and disrupts conversation and more about getting the fuck outside before someone sees the liquid brimming in his eyes. His stomach burns, his eyes hurt, his throat clenches in anticipation and he’s stepping outside, a call from Eridan distant and he knows there’s footsteps following behind and some concerned exclamations, but god he just wants to be alone and he can’t, _I can’t, I tried but I can’t-_

As soon as he gets to the awning beyond the door he’s emptying the contents of his stomach onto pavement and gravel with a heaving, wet, pained retch and his eyes swim in saltwater, _just like she was, floating in her own nest of hair, like curls of seaweed or jellyfish frills..._

“Shit- Sol? Sollux?”

There’s the sound of the door opening and the frantic cry and suddenly not being alone is less of a blessing and more of a curse, because when Eridan stops in front of him, beneath the fabric awning dripping rainwater and surveys the vomit on the ground and takes in the scent he’s decidedly quiet for a moment, and he’d lifted his hand like he wanted to reach out. Sollux knew. But it was dropped down, and the shorter male keeps his head ducked as the taste of bile on his tongue is still fresh. Tentatively, his own hand is raised to wipe remnants from his lips, and just as tentative, Eridan speaks. Again. And he sounds like he’s concerned, and for why, Sollux doesn’t know. They just met, they don’t know eachother other than by association and it’s not a fun one to begin with, and he almost wants to tell him to fuck off, that there’s no reason for him to be fussed over but that’s wrong to do to a stranger showing an unhealthy amount of concern, especially with the circumstances right now. Feferi wouldn’t approve. So he stays quiet.

Shoes shift along the pavement, and there’s a deep breath as the other’s posture straightens, rain cascading like a wall of water behind. “You don’t… have to be here, you know.” It’s a gentle attempt to console, and Sollux feels his empty stomach squeeze. “I know we don’t know eachother or anythin’, but I can tell that you ain’t doin’ well, and it doesn’t seem to be aidin’ you in processin’ any of this to be surrounded by strangers, but… if you want someone to talk to, at any time. About fuckin’ whatever, you could, like. Call me. I suppose.”

Did he just get an offer to be given Eridan Ampora’s phone number despite the fact he saw him puke at his now-dead girlfriend’s funeral?

“But really, if you got to go, then… you should do what you need to do. And I could take you. Or whatever. If you ain’t wantin’ to be alone just yet.”

Sollux takes a few long moments to process it, and he hates the guilt pulling heavy at the pit of his stomach at the thought of leaving. Eridan’s got a point- if he doesn’t want to be here, nobody can force him to stay, but there’s something that feels morally ambiguous about walking out at the funeral of someone who loved you more than life itself. Almost like leaving someone behind, and Sollux supposes letting the person you loved go is part of the ordeal, but… god, this is rough. He licks his lips and finally his eyes flit up from their downcast position on the pavement and stomach contents painting it, and the look in those ocean eyes, god were they beautifully marbled sapphires and it felt wrong to think it but there was an honest to god moment of shocking clarity. This is… the wrong moment to ogle someone, isn’t it?

“You alright?”

“Oh.” There’s the snap back to current time, and Sollux blinks fervently. God, his cheeks are heating, and he feels sick for a completely different reason, now, guilt complex be damned. “Yeah, I was just… thinking about what you said. Uh, I-”

 _Can get home alone,_ that’s what he really wanted to say, but there’s something heavy tugging in the back of his trauma-addled mind telling him that going home alone is too much, not yet, _not yet_ and he spits out, “I would really like some accompaniment, actually, but- I brought my car, so I don’t really want to leave it behind, and I doubt you want to get in a car with me.”

Eridan seems like his standards would be higher than a shitty beater, but apparently _he_ finds that amusing to some degree, because there’s a roll of eyes and a snort that’s not short of derisive before he gives a final look at Sollux, and he turns on fancy heels to click towards the wake of the rain beyond the berth of the doorway. Liquid patters from the sky onto the fabric-adorned shoulders of black and it only becomes blacker, and he’d call this guy crazy for standing in the rain, but it does seem to fit the mood. Suitably dramatic.

Eridan looks at him like he’s waiting- his arms fold across his chest, posture shifting. “I can leave mine, I can just call a cab to get back here later, so come on.” To lighten it, he tacks on, “You look like you’re goin’ to pass out in a pool of your own damn vomit."

There's an almost smile from Sollux as he is following into the wash of water from the sky, and rain falls onto him and smooths away his worries in a cool liquid caress that normally he’d be running the hell away from or trying to bundle to avoid, but right now, it’s… cleansing. Emotionally, even. Worries seem to melt from him for a moment as the chorus of wetness drums on the rocky surface below. But getting to the car is the first priority, so Sollux takes a decisive step to the parking lot, key fob pulled with spindly digits from the pocket of his slacks and he hears the fall of steps in tandem with his own as he navigates around deeper puddles to head to the driver’s side of the car.

There isn’t a glance spared behind; it’s not on his mind to throw himself back into turmoil. Peace. Just for a few minutes. God, he needs it.

“I’ll be just fine, I’ve dealt with way worse than losing one meal,” It’s meant to be reassuring as he unlocks the doors with a beep and shuffles himself, folded and thin limbs into the car and he pulls off the jacket to throw in the backseat and the metallic jingle of keys are loud in the silence of the car beyond the splatter on the windshield after they’re both clambering into the vehicle.

Eridan’s very proper about how he gets in; fluid, graceful, almost, but very concerned with making sure he smooths out all wrinkles and avoids putting his shoes near any sort of dirt on the carpet below the dashboard. The door is shut much more gingerly in contrast to Sollux’s roughness. The dichotomy is noticed, as he turns on the vehicle, and Eridan speaks over the engine roaring to life in the background. “After this week, I’d wager to say that throwin’ up is probably the least of your concerns, yeah.”

“Tell me about it.”

Pulling onto the road and away from the stench of potpourri and old people and 80s carpets and death is a quiet solace for them both, punctuated by the relaxation and comfortable silence. It’s odd it’s comfortable- they just met, in the worst of circumstances, and Sollux is normally paranoid as all goddamn shit. Letting a stranger into his vehicle? Unheard of. But… well, it felt right, and he doesn’t regret it yet.

Those eyes keep haunting him.

He reaches to set the radio on, and it’s playing the Currents album by Tame Impala, something he’d shoved into the stereo ages ago and just forgotten about considering he usually plays over aux cord, and as the sweet tunes filter on, he’s focused on getting them safely through the rain to his place. It seems fine to him, so far, to have Eridan over, but it’s when his stomach gurgles again that the other man looks over from his poised settle of looking out the window. A brow is raised. Sollux’s gaze doesn’t flit from the road, but he can feel the intense stare.

“Hungry?”

There’s a bit of a pained quirk to his lips. “I didn’t think I would be, but-”

“You want to get food?”

“...Yeah.”

It’s a seamless agreement, and Sollux routes in his mind a map to a drive-through nearby on the way to his apartment for a place he likes. The chatter that they engage in on the way there is comfortable and polite and even relieving in a way that after they get food from the Panera drive-through and are on the way back, Eridan exclaiming he’ll get picked up shortly after they eat and arrive to Sollux’s place so he can have his space, he’s thinking it over.

Pulling up to the curb and turning off the car, he’s finding himself enjoying the company, and it’s true he needs his time alone, but admittedly at the first offer of exchanging phone numbers, there was a pretty hefty amount of hesitance, even if Eridan was Feferi’s best friend, but now, after getting… soup and bread together and driving in the rain in comfortable yet painful silence, just having company of each other, it felt sort of like a cathartic, weird bonding moment. Over something mutually lost.

Which was way more conducive to healing than a stupid funeral, in Sollux’s opinion.

“Thanks, by the way.” It’s quiet, as he turns off the car and is stepping out, parked safely in a nestle between the other cars on the street, and the rain has let up enough that it’s hardly perceptible when he steps out, and Eridan follows with a bag of the remaining food to bring to the door and drop off with the shorter brunette. Eridan offers a light wave of a hand as they both step off the curb and the doors to the shitty car are locked, and shoes clunk against metal as they both step up to the door.

“For what, makin’ sure you took care of yourself? Thought that would be an unwelcome annoyance rather than a favor, considerin’ we’re strangers.” Seemingly, he doesn’t think much of it, but even if he can’t admit it to the guy out loud, it was… helpful. Memorably so.

And there’s something about those ocean-colored eyes he’s having a _really_ hard time putting out of his mind. “Well, that, and telling me I didn’t have to stay. I-” There’s a heaved sigh from Sollux as he unlocks the door to the apartment. Eridan pauses as he’s about to reach to offer the food at the admittance to follow. “I didn’t really feel up to going in the first place, but I felt like I had to.”

“Course you didn’t.” Stated matter-of-factly, the food is offered and foisted upon him with insistence, and there’s a step taken back down the stairs as Eridan pulls his phone from his pocket. Sollux blinks in surprise and nearly drops his keys, because he kind of expected the guy to stay a bit longer, and as he’s pushing the door open, there’s a stop in the middle, blinking. “You don’t gotta do shit for anyone, and I mean. Nobody wanted me there, but I went anyways, so do what you want. Also, I gotta run, I want to be back there to speak with someone, but you can call me. If you want. Or not.”

Sollux hates how frantic it sounds when it comes out, but he calls after. “You didn’t give me your phone number!”

“Don’t worry about it! I’ll talk to you later.” He’s slipping all the way down the metallic stairway and around the corner, and there’s no means to protest.

Sollux, in his moment of complete mystification, stands there to soak in the moment in silence for a second as Eridan departs around the corner before he’s stepping back into the cluttered apartment and clumsily flicking on lights, and he nearly drops the bag of food trying to set it down on the table, and there’s a paper, unseen before, falling from the back of the bag to the floor. Pausing, he takes a moment to reach down and grab it, and it seems to be a business card. Perfectly square. Blank on the side it was picked up on, but when flipped over, Sollux can’t help but laugh.

_Eridan Ampora._

Phone number listed right beneath and everything. How did he manage to pull that off, anyways?

Sollux pulls out his phone, and for the first time in a week, there’s a genuine smile pulling across his face.

“How ridiculous.” Shooting a text message over to announce himself to the party, he leans against the table and forgets about all the madness of the world and the trojan horse takeout food for just a minute. “Eridan Ampora, huh.”

Sometimes, funerals can bring catharsis in company.


End file.
